At some point after waterboarding me at a Greek Orthodox baptism ceremony, my parents had the bright idea to take me on a trip to the countryside to show me what that whole “nature” thing was about. It was there that I saw a cow for the very first time in my life. A giant, horned, foul monster surrounded by clouds upon clouds of flies. Unaware of the sheer horror – nay, terror! – that gripped my tiny 3-year-old heart, my parents pushed me closer to that vile monster and said, “See, this is where milk comes from!” It was on that day that I declared a boycott on all milk, as well as vanilla-tasting dairy products. My parents made a valiant effort to change my mind and explain that cows are our friends, but by that point it was far too late. The damage had been done and my mind was made up…

Seeing as now, 23 years later, I’m 6’2″ and have never broken a single bone, I’m pretty sure the whole “milk is good for you” thing is a damn dirty lie perpetuated by the Big Dairy. *shakes fist at the Dairy-Industrial Complex*